People First, Pretty Please!

The deaf woman
or
The autistic boy

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Let’s face it. Our society places quite a bit of emphasis on how we label/identify human beings. There are instances where labeling is appropriate such as for medical, educational, and community purposes. In other cases, referring to someone by placing the challenge before their name can be seen as or feel like we are being dehumanized. There will be people out there who may disagree, so please remember that this blog is solely my own opinion. I’m not one to preach, that’s for sure. I’m an introvert, so this blog may be a surprise to many. However, two years ago, I began a new journey in life by returning to school for a degree in Special Education. As one who does not have the ability to hear like the typical person (note: typical vs. normal — another topic that deserves its own blog), you would think I knew better about using people-first language. It was a professor who stressed that we should always name the person first, then disclose the challenge they have afterwards. Since my studies are geared towards education, the “disability” typically needs to be mentioned so we can better serve the student. That comment forever impacted me.

Since becoming a parent, I’ve spent endless nights laying awake in bed trying to fall asleep after a nursing session and my mind always finds itself thinking about this topic. I like to think, why do we even need to disclose the disability in cases when we are talking about people in general? For example, if I am standing in a room with 10 people and two people in the corner are having a discussion and want to point me out, it is more likely they will identify me quickly by using terms such as the woman who has funny speech, the deaf woman, or the the woman whose hands flap around when she talks. I am very well aware that in most cases it is not done intentionally, it just instantly comes to mind and quickly identifies me. I know my personality or clothes or hairstyle are not exactly the same as the other 10 people in the room, so why not say the woman who is wearing the red shoes and white shirt? Since that first semester and learning about people-first language, I have changed how I try to identify people. I now want to take that torch and pass it on to others. It takes one person to educate another. Let’s keep that torch moving around.

In reality, every single human being will encounter challenges in their life whether it be they struggle in doing math, have poor balance, take longer to process and/or express thoughts, struggle with keeping up with new technology, and the list goes on and on. Surprisingly, we don’t have a label for every single challenge. So why can’t those who have more obvious challenges than others get by without being labeled in general situations? You don’t hear people going around saying “that person with poor balance”.

One term that comes to mind that I, as a new parent, wish I could prevent from popping up in my families life is the acronym “CODA” or “KODA” which stands for Child or Kid of Deaf Adults. I have nothing against those who use those terms. I just don’t see it fit for my daughter, who I am disclosing as hearing. Yes, my daughter’s father and mother are both profoundly deaf. However, she is her own human being and will develop her own personality and deserves to be known as Arabella Victoria Rose, not the kid who has deaf parents. Of course, it will come up in situations and I know I can’t avoid it. Whether or not you want to believe it, once someone is informed that her parents don’t have typical hearing, it’s very likely their views will instantly change.

Here’s an example of how quickly views can change. One time, I was having a full back and forth conversation with a stranger in an elevator (I’m sure that’s a shock to many since I like to keep to myself.. haha) and we were conversing with no barriers. Then the person finally asked me if i was deaf after I had to repeat a word I was struggling to pronounce. I answered yes. Do you want to guess what that person did? She froze and quickly walked off the elevator without speaking additional words. I chuckled and reassured myself she probably was shocked she actually had a conversation with a person who is deaf. I knew I had educated her although the outcome didn’t feel much like it.

I bet you are wondering what the heck caused me to sit down and write this blog when you all are pretty much aware that my husband is the blogger when it comes to educating people about various topics. 🙂 You may or may not know that on January 4, 2014, my world changed all over again when my sister gave birth to a precious little boy, Isaiah Paul Tesori. She and her husband, Paul, were very open to sharing their story via Facebook as they have an incredible support group who wanted to stay informed with what was going on with their son as he worked his way through some health issues in the NICU. As a supportive sister, I was sharing her blogs on my Facebook page and requesting  thoughts and/or prayers for sweet Isaiah and his parents. Pictures of Isaiah were posted as well. I had a commenter post “What’s wrong?” As soon as I saw that post, I deleted it as I felt my sister’s blog spoke for itself because she did mention what was going on so that commenter most likely did not read the link. Second, do you really need to know what is wrong when I know you can just send good thoughts and prayers without reason? Third, absolutely nothing is wrong with Isaiah. He just happens to be on a journey where he may face more obstacles than the kid next door. I could disclose his diagnosis, but I prefer to say he has an extra chromosome. I may be a protective Aunt already, and ask that you please not identify Isaiah as the “Down Syndrome baby” or me as the “deaf woman”. He has already proved to the world he is a fighter, loves to sleep, and loves Mama’s milk!

Yes, I am deaf and accept it, but I am SO much more than a person who is deaf. My deafness never has and never will define me as a person. I don’t love my husband because he is deaf. I love him because he makes me laugh, he supports me as a wife and mother, etc. I don’t love my daughter because she is hearing. I love her because she has a bubbly, happy personality, puts a smile on my face every single morning, and loves to give me wet kisses.

So, let’s all do a favor and remind ourselves and others that people have names and characteristics that mold them into the person they are and point those out rather than the challenge(s). Yes, there will always be times where you will need to disclose the challenge, and when you do it,  please do it in people-first language.

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Mary-Beth Rose who loves to (fill in the blank)
or
Mary-Beth who is deaf (in appropriate situations)